Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Greatest Gift of All

The Greatest Gift of All is a subject of considerable debate. A quick tour of the Internet reveals a wide variety of opinions, including Jesus, a puppy, and a shot glass with a plastic otter stuck to it. One spirited young lady claims the Greatest Gift was when her friend branded her arm and removed chunks of her skin with a scalpel—thus proving that the Internet really does need an editor. There’s also a Greatest Gift Foundation for the organ donor community, which implies that the Greatest Gift of All is a nice juicy liver on ice.

Sam Goode, a moron who is a credit to religious fundamentalists everywhere, has a classic take on the subject: “Since virginity is one thing that every woman has and it is the most precious thing she will ever possess… it is understandable why it is the greatest gift that a woman can give to her husband.”

Poor Sonia Sotomayor. Here she spent all that time educating and honing her brain, just so that she could one day make a significant contribution to constitutional law, and all she really had to do was hang onto her cherry.

Personally, I used to think the Greatest Gift of All was when my brother offered to buy me a new set of teeth so that I wouldn’t have to keep wearing dentures into adulthood, but today I realize I was woefully mistaken.

Because the Greatest Gift of All, it turns out, is a burgee. And by burgee, I do mean one of those stupid little triangular flags that yacht clubs use to decorate their lounges. This morning, one of my readers designed and sent me one. It’s the burgee for the Mutual Admiration Society (of Literate yet Troll-Like Women). It looks like this:

(In case you didn't catch it, that's hot chicks dancing, a brain lit up with ideas, and a feast of wine and cheese. What more could one want, really?)

Then she pointed out that that if she’s going to sing instructive Aristotelian syllogisms to my son, she will have to construct them in spondaic pentameter. “A bold choice, the spondee,” Melissa writes, “but necessary to account for the extra syllable required to convert the age-inappropriate ‘shit’ into ‘ka-ka.’”

I don’t know what I did, but interesting people are reading this blog.


  1. Melissa (Aforementiond L.y.T.L.W.)July 26, 2009 at 11:28 AM

    Actually, that was supposed to be a hip-bump. Y'know? But, that's okay, "hot chicks dancing" doesn't mar the gestalt one little bit.

    I'm just glad it wasn't mistaken for "hey, whydontcha rub your butt on mine, then we'll inspect some raw beef and table some absinthe".

  2. Sonia was 13 when she lost her cherry. It was a significant part of every latino's heritage that she didn't want to miss. I believe her cherry went to her mom's boyfried who was hangin' at the apartment while her mom was at work. Given the choice of getting gang banged in the back of a '67 Chevy or going to law school was a difficult choice at first. Then one day she looked in the mirror and discovered she'd gotten fat and ugly. Only a matter of time before there would be no more bangin' fun. Whatever is poor latino guy to do?
    It soon became evident to her that all these life experiences would make her the perfect Supreme Court Justice. The rest is history.

  3. Charming. You actually managed to offend even me with that one. Which is saying something.