The DIMPLER™

Is your child not cute enough?

Do you get sympathetic looks from strangers?

Try THE DIMPLER™
For Cuter Babies… the Natural Way!

Babies without dimples can be unattractive and unruly, giving them a difficult start in life. This baby refuses to smile or even open his eyes for the camera. Instead, he prefers to snarl and drool, resembling an ill-tempered ferret.

Note the precious, life-changing dimple on the right hand side of this baby's face. With his new-found cuteness, this baby now laughs and smiles, completely transformed from the repugnant devil child pictured above. In fact, his parents are now completing early applications to MIT and teaching him Japanese. Now that he's Cute-as-a-Button™, the sky's the limit for this little dimple!

REVOLUTIONARY CUTENESS TECHNOLOGY™
With THE DIMPLER™’s simple patented procedure, we can change your baby’s life around. Pioneered by Dr. Peter “Hookmaster” Murphy, THE DIMPLER™ will carve a small hole inside your baby’s cheek, stimulating the growth of healthy scar tissue. Once healed, your baby’s face will be transformed with a Cute-As-A-Button™ dimple!


Will THE DIMPLER™ hurt my baby?
While THE DIMPLER™’s simple patented procedure may produce some discomfort in your baby, it’s nothing compared to the lifetime of pain he or she will feel for being ugly and/or not cute. Remember, THE DIMPLER™ takes a moment, but cuteness is forever!

HEAR WHAT OTHER PARENTS HAVE TO SAY!
Before we found THE DIMPLER™, my baby couldn’t even walk or talk. He was so unattractive and unruly, we thought he was retarded! Now that he has a dimple, he still can’t walk or talk, but he looks so cute that we don’t care. THANK YOU, DIMPLER™!

—One Satisfied Mother

Only YOU can change your baby’s life around. Call THE DIMPLER™ today!

Payment plans available. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, bleeding, sepsis, and blood-curdling screams. Depending on your country of residence, children may be confiscated by Child Protective Services or other well-meaning government agency. Dr. Peter “Hookmaster” Murphy is not responsible for negative side effects, up to and including your child’s need for future psychiatric evaluation and/or counseling. Dr. Peter “Hookmaster” Murphy is not actually a doctor, he’s just some guy with a hook. Cute-As-A-Button™, THE DIMPLER™, Hookmaster™, and Cuteness Technology™ are registered trademarks, all rights reserved.

The Isle of Enchantment

It would be fair to say that apart from violent death by drowning, our family’s main concerns with taking our baby to sea fall into two categories:

a) We are neglecting our financial futures and therefore the child will be raised in poverty, and

b) The child will not be properly educated and will never fit into mainstream society.

As responsible parents, Peter and I take these concerns very seriously. So when one of our readers spotted Silas’ special talent, a gift with which very few children on this earth are blessed, we recognized his potential immediately.



Silas is the spittin’ image of Hervé Villechaize.

Let us pause for a moment to consider the ramifications of this discovery. Hervé Villechaize had an acute thyroid condition that stunted his growth so that he never grew taller than 47 inches. And yet, at the height of his popularity as Tattoo on Fantasy Island, he commanded a salary of $25,000 an episode. And that was more than twenty years ago.

Just imagine what Silas could do. He’s shorter. He’s cuter. And he’s perfectly capable of ringing a goddamned bell.

We can sail Sereia to Fiji, an archipelago encompassing more than three hundred Fantasy Islands. We can dress the kid in a suit. We can give him a bell to ring when the guests arrive. And once we get picked up by the networks, our midget superstar can start making his parents’ dreams come true.

You can sail pretty far on $25,000 an episode. That’s an awful lot of margaritas.

I can see the opening shot now:


There will be the naysayers, of course. There always are. My mother for example, the messenger of cheer and good fortune. “But what about FRENCH?” she’ll screech. “We raised YOU with private bilingual schools. Don’t you know that the best window for second language acquisition is before the age of five??!”

Of course we do. And that’s why we’re starting Silas early. Not with French, though. That’s so Old Europe. No, we’ve picked a much more relevant language. One that will help Silas adapt to his native land. Under our tutelage, Silas is learning Elvish.

There’s lots of time to work second language acquisition while sailing around the South Pacific. We have a stack of flashcards, and a little Elvish dictionary for children. Silas is so clever. He already points to the butterfly and says “Wilwarin,” and he knows the name for dog is “Hû.”

This is all part of a greater plan, of course. The networks will need a new twist for our Fantasy Island revival. That’s why we’re planning to film the whole thing in Elvish. We won’t even call it Fantasy Island. We’ll call it Tol en Gûl, The Isle of Enchantment.

There’s no need to worry about this family’s financial future. Once we hit Fiji, we’ll dress our baby in a tux and teach his to scramble up a belltower. There's no Elvish equivalent for “De Plane, De plane,” but Silas will make do. We’ll teach him to yell “Gûl Tink Thoron Nor! Gûl Tink Thoron Nor!” which, roughly translated, means “The magical metal eagle flies above!”

It'll be a smash hit. You'll see.