Is your child not cute enough?
Do you get sympathetic looks from strangers?
Try THE DIMPLER™
For Cuter Babies… the Natural Way!
Do you get sympathetic looks from strangers?
Try THE DIMPLER™
For Cuter Babies… the Natural Way!
Babies without dimples can be unattractive and unruly, giving them a difficult start in life. This baby refuses to smile or even open his eyes for the camera. Instead, he prefers to snarl and drool, resembling an ill-tempered ferret. 
Note the precious, life-changing dimple on the right hand side of this baby's face. With his new-found cuteness, this baby now laughs and smiles, completely transformed from the repugnant devil child pictured above. In fact, his parents are now completing early applications to MIT and teaching him Japanese. Now that he's Cute-as-a-Button™, the sky's the limit for this little dimple!REVOLUTIONARY CUTENESS TECHNOLOGY™
With THE DIMPLER™’s simple patented procedure, we can change your baby’s life around. Pioneered by Dr. Peter “Hookmaster” Murphy, THE DIMPLER™ will carve a small hole inside your baby’s cheek, stimulating the growth of healthy scar tissue. Once healed, your baby’s face will be transformed with a Cute-As-A-Button™ dimple!
Will THE DIMPLER™ hurt my baby?
While THE DIMPLER™’s simple patented procedure may produce some discomfort in your baby, it’s nothing compared to the lifetime of pain he or she will feel for being ugly and/or not cute. Remember, THE DIMPLER™ takes a moment, but cuteness is forever!
HEAR WHAT OTHER PARENTS HAVE TO SAY!
Before we found THE DIMPLER™, my baby couldn’t even walk or talk. He was so unattractive and unruly, we thought he was retarded! Now that he has a dimple, he still can’t walk or talk, but he looks so cute that we don’t care. THANK YOU, DIMPLER™!
—One Satisfied Mother
Only YOU can change your baby’s life around. Call THE DIMPLER™ today! 
Payment plans available. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, bleeding, sepsis, and blood-curdling screams. Depending on your country of residence, children may be confiscated by Child Protective Services or other well-meaning government agency. Dr. Peter “Hookmaster” Murphy is not responsible for negative side effects, up to and including your child’s need for future psychiatric evaluation and/or counseling. Dr. Peter “Hookmaster” Murphy is not actually a doctor, he’s just some guy with a hook. Cute-As-A-Button™, THE DIMPLER™, Hookmaster™, and Cuteness Technology™ are registered trademarks, all rights reserved.
You crack me up! When I was a kid I had such huge dimples that old ladies were constantly squeezing my cheeks. I made me BATTY! So I started walking around with air puffed in my cheeks in hopes of reversing those nasty old holes in my face and popping them right back out to normal again. I ran home crying when some big mouthed stranger declared, "Amazing, you can even see those dimples with her cheeks puffed out, they're HUGE!"
ReplyDeleteI still have them, only with old age they start to become nice deep lines in my face.
So I am here to say, no thank you on this particular product, but if you come up with a device to pull dimples out of aging ladies, let me know.
:)
The dimpler (tm) doesn't look like a particularly sharp instrument. How long does the proceedure take?
ReplyDeleteCute post ... actually more than cute, it was very imaginative.
ReplyDeleteOnly my immediate question isn't how I can buy the dimpler system. Nope, inquiring minds want to know how you managed to make an Internet post while anchored in the sticks of Mini...whatamacallit.
Are you using a local data card in a laptop, an internet cafe in a local coffee shop?
OK, disclosure.
Having spent 3 long rainy days anchored waiting out a SE gale in heavy rain in Miniwhangata about 15 years back (further back up the bay...watch out for the over hanging power line).... (oh, and having used up my CA pot), I would've killed for a Internet connection to occupy my time.
PS great photo showing NZ at its green finest.
It almost makes me want to go back (well... until I look at the 10 day forecast ...then the reality of NZ comes back). God, I have a love/hate affair with that country. Love the people and place/hate the weather.
If only they could tow it 500 miles further north.
Dear Julie,
ReplyDeleteGreat question! And that's the best part about THE DIMPLER™. Here's how it works:
Dr. Peter "Hookmaster" Murphy simply inserts the dull hook in your baby's mouth, and your baby does the rest! Soon enough, your baby's natural instincts will cause him to yank on the hook, damaging the delicate tissue on the inside of his cheek-- a process that takes just a few seconds. While this procedure is painful and scarring, it is entirely self-inflicted, so you and Dr. Peter "Hookmaster" Murphy are both safe from future lawsuits. Happy Dimpling!
A note on technology for Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteWhile Peter and I both firmly believe that Vodafone is the Devil, furthering a subversive scheme to enslave all New Zealanders by overcharging them for their cell phone use, they did invent this one cool thing: The Vodafone USB Stick. It's a modem, the size of a memory stick, that hooks you up the Internet through cell phone towers. So wherever I get cell coverage, I get the New York Times Online. We get pretty good coverage up here around Auckland... remains to be seen what we'll get on Stewart Island!
Would the fact that I am not the parent of the child in question raise any issues?
ReplyDelete"I get the New York Times Online".
ReplyDeleteFor those of you with IQ's under 75.
Hilarious :)
ReplyDelete