The Isle of Enchantment

It would be fair to say that apart from violent death by drowning, our family’s main concerns with taking our baby to sea fall into two categories:

a) We are neglecting our financial futures and therefore the child will be raised in poverty, and

b) The child will not be properly educated and will never fit into mainstream society.

As responsible parents, Peter and I take these concerns very seriously. So when one of our readers spotted Silas’ special talent, a gift with which very few children on this earth are blessed, we recognized his potential immediately.



Silas is the spittin’ image of Hervé Villechaize.

Let us pause for a moment to consider the ramifications of this discovery. Hervé Villechaize had an acute thyroid condition that stunted his growth so that he never grew taller than 47 inches. And yet, at the height of his popularity as Tattoo on Fantasy Island, he commanded a salary of $25,000 an episode. And that was more than twenty years ago.

Just imagine what Silas could do. He’s shorter. He’s cuter. And he’s perfectly capable of ringing a goddamned bell.

We can sail Sereia to Fiji, an archipelago encompassing more than three hundred Fantasy Islands. We can dress the kid in a suit. We can give him a bell to ring when the guests arrive. And once we get picked up by the networks, our midget superstar can start making his parents’ dreams come true.

You can sail pretty far on $25,000 an episode. That’s an awful lot of margaritas.

I can see the opening shot now:


There will be the naysayers, of course. There always are. My mother for example, the messenger of cheer and good fortune. “But what about FRENCH?” she’ll screech. “We raised YOU with private bilingual schools. Don’t you know that the best window for second language acquisition is before the age of five??!”

Of course we do. And that’s why we’re starting Silas early. Not with French, though. That’s so Old Europe. No, we’ve picked a much more relevant language. One that will help Silas adapt to his native land. Under our tutelage, Silas is learning Elvish.

There’s lots of time to work second language acquisition while sailing around the South Pacific. We have a stack of flashcards, and a little Elvish dictionary for children. Silas is so clever. He already points to the butterfly and says “Wilwarin,” and he knows the name for dog is “Hû.”

This is all part of a greater plan, of course. The networks will need a new twist for our Fantasy Island revival. That’s why we’re planning to film the whole thing in Elvish. We won’t even call it Fantasy Island. We’ll call it Tol en Gûl, The Isle of Enchantment.

There’s no need to worry about this family’s financial future. Once we hit Fiji, we’ll dress our baby in a tux and teach his to scramble up a belltower. There's no Elvish equivalent for “De Plane, De plane,” but Silas will make do. We’ll teach him to yell “Gûl Tink Thoron Nor! Gûl Tink Thoron Nor!” which, roughly translated, means “The magical metal eagle flies above!”

It'll be a smash hit. You'll see.